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The latest issue of Dental Enthusiast, a magazine that does not exist, features an editorial by BaseWords

BaseWords is the writing division of Base. We write anything from commercial copy to essays and stories, grocery lists, and emails to friends and family. Each Wednesday we try to post some of our work on BaseNow. This week’s installment takes its inspiration from the world of oral hygiene.

I went shopping for toothpaste yesterday because I ran out. Choosing a toothpaste was much harder than I remembered. There were so many options! There was one tube with whitening, one with cavity protection, one with fluoride, one with baking soda, one with Scope, one with sensitive teeth protection, one with tartar control. Then all the combinations. One with tartar control plus Scope, one with cavity protection plus whitening, one with baking soda plus fluoride, et cetera. Phew!

When I saw all the different pastes to control tartar, I must say it worried me a bit. It had never occurred to me that my tartar may be out of control. Probably because I didn’t know what tartar is. I still don’t, because that was only yesterday. But I’m going to look it up online when I get the chance. I guess tartar is the same kind of thing as viscosity breakdown—don’t know what it is but it doesn’t sound good. When I saw a toothpaste dedicated to controlling tartar I figured maybe it was something I should look into. I mean, my tartar could be through the roof and I wouldn’t even know it! For all I know, people are talking about my tartar problem this very minute! Anyhow, I was ready to spring for the tartar control, but I wanted the other toothpaste features too. Why did I have to choose one level of care over the others? I mean, did I have to buy seven different toothpastes to get comprehensive protection? Because that would be plum crazy.

As I was weighing my options I noticed something called Crest Multicare toothpaste. It was sitting inconspicuously right there on the shelf with the others. I picked up the box. Lo and behold, as the name implies, the Multicare gives you several different kinds of care in a single toothpaste! When I first saw the Multicare I thought, “Awesome!” I looked at the price. It was the same as the others! I would have expected to pay more for more protection, but no! Why hadn’t I heard about this Multicare before?! I figured with all its features that the Multicare must supersede all the other flavors, and that those must now be moot. Surely those unicare pastes must be old stock the pharmacy was liquidating. “Who in their right mind would choose a toothpaste with only one or two layers of care when they could get the Multicare for the same price?” you’re probably asking yourself.

Exactly.

I asked a clerk why they had the Multicare and still all the other ones. I explained it to him. He said he didn’t know but he understood what I was saying. Those were the regular flavors. He said people bought all of them. I asked him how long the Multicare had been out and he said he wasn’t sure, a few years he thinks. I asked him why people wouldn’t just buy the Multicare to cover their bases. He didn’t know. He said maybe they just didn’t know about it. So I suggested they run it as a manager’s special, put it on an end cap up front in between feminine hygiene and HBA. Let people know about it rather than have it tucked away on the shelf with all the unicare pastes. He said he’d talk about it with his manager. I asked him what toothpaste he used. He said he usually used cavity protection but was going to switch to the Multicare to get the extra levels of care after he was finished with his current tube, which unfortunately for him he just bought.

Just as the clerk walked away, I saw a lady pick up a two-pack of the whitening, sitting right there on the shelf next to the Multicare, and put it in her basket. I couldn’t believe my eyes! What’s more, the two-pack was $5.49 when a single tube of the Multicare was only $2.49! I mean, how stupid can you be?! Out of courtesy I told her about the Multicare and the price thing. I asked her why she didn’t just go with the Multicare to get the extra coverage and she said she wanted the whitening. I explained that the Multicare has the whitening built in, plus all the additional layers of protection. But her husband likes the whitening. I told her they even make a Multicare with whitening! I showed her the box. I told her surprise your husband. But she said she just wanted the regular whitening, that’s what she buys. Obviously she didn’t understand what I was saying so I spelled it out a little clearer. I’m really good at math so I told her why pay $0.443/ounce for the whitening, when you could get the Multicare for $0.401/ounce! And I showed her that the Multicare even came in a gel with sparkles for the kid in all of us. Then I told her think about all the extra levels of dental care you could be getting, and for less money no less! I told her you do the math. I told her think about all the money you could be saving in toothpaste, let alone dentist bills. Not to mention wear and tear on the car, back and forth to the dentist all the time. Those little things add up. My old math teacher used to say that. Mrs. Fishsniffer. She had a terrible personality and wasn’t afraid to use it. Around the holidays she made us sing carols in class. I saw a kid get beat up for singing once so I just sort of hummed with my mouth open. Kind of like a ventriloquist.

Anyhow, I asked the lady in the store if it ever occurred to her that her tartar may be out of control. I asked what were her plans for fluoride and cavity protection. I told her if you want to throw your money and dental hygiene out the window, who am I to stop you. I asked her what good she thought her pretty little white teeth would do her if they were all full of holes and were covered in disgusting yellow tartar. (Is it yellow?) As she backed away I looked for the clerk who had agreed with me for support but he was nowhere to be found. The lady must have known I was right; how could she argue with the logic? It’s as plain as the nose on her face! (Damn, I should have used that one.) But sadly, her stubborn pride and devotion to routine ultimately won out. As they say, you can lead a horse to water, but if that horse isn’t thirsty, it just won’t drink, no matter how hard you try to get it to.

A new era in toothpaste is upon us. But people are resistant to change, even when they know it’s good for them and their teeth. If people want to get the most protection in a toothpaste for their money, they need to consider their options. They have got to keep an open mind! I must admit I was a little sentimental about leaving regular toothpaste behind. But now that I’ve been using the Multicare for a day, I don’t think I can ever go back. And why should I? I mean, why would you buy a car whose only amenity is an AM radio with the antenna in the windshield, when you can get the same car with a tape deck, CD player, heated seats, rack-and-pinion steering, and one of those robot-arm drink holders for the same or lower price? I just don’t get it. I rest my case.